On Working From Home
Confession. If you met me in real life, and hadn’t read my blog, i probably wouldn’t tell you about it. I probably would’nt tell you that i am a designer, or that i run a small business. I also wouldn’t tell you that i have degrees in Maths and Finance, and previously had a successful career in Actuarial science.
I would tell you I stay home with my kids and love it, and i would probably stop there.
Recently i’ve been wondering why i do this. You’d be surprised how much time i’ve spent analysing my own actions. And i’ve realised that i’m a little in denial and a little bit trying to make a statement. I don’t want to say that I work outside of looking after my family, because i don’t want to accept that i have a job. Mind blown.
The thing is, i hate expectations and judge-mentality. I hate it when people look down at mothers who stay home with their children, and treat them like they are stupid (it happens to me all the time, and its downright offensive). But I also hate it when people judge mothers who work, as if somehow having to work outside the home could make you love your family less? It’s ridiculous.
So i don’t tell people what i do. I tell them i am home, because i want that choice to be respected. I want to stand in solidarity for anyone who makes that choice. I am yelling in my head “I am an educated intelligent woman who chooses to stay home! I CHOSE! It’s ok! I dare you to judge me!”.
But isn’t that silly? Because really, I am a woman who is home with family AND works from home. I am blessed to straddle both worlds. Instead of taking a stance on the side i think is most victimised, i should accept who i am and champion both.
So i’m trying really hard to accept what i am. To practice saying “I work from home”.
I am at home with my kids, but i also run a business. And it’s ok to do both.
Meg
Meg is the Founder and Creative Director of Megan Nielsen Patterns, and is constantly dreaming up ideas for new sewing patterns and ways to make your sewing journey more enjoyable! She gets really excited about design details and is always trying to add way too many variations to our patterns.
39 comments
What? But you should be proud of your business! It’s not like you just started it last week and you’re still tentative. Be loud and proud! I don’t care about the judgment, I just think you should own being an entrepreneur, there is nothing to be ashamed of! You’re doing this awesome thing, and I bet most people would be fascinated and inspired, rather than judgy. :-)
my dear u are a gteat woman. u are my mentor and role model. I found my path in the fsshion design after reading ur stories and advices. right now am closing shop to start working from home that way I would have enough time with my two boys. I live in Lagos Nigeria and the cost of rent is expensive on the high streets. I decided to follow ur footsteps to work from the comfort of my home and I preach it to anybody
Oh wow, honey what a lovely story. Thank you so much for the kind words, I am so touched and i wish you all of the best! You are an amazing woman, and i hope you enjoy the time with your boys and pray that your endeavours will be successful! hugs!! xoxo
Inder you are so sweet – but please don’t worry, it’s nothing to do with not being proud of my business, or being ashamed of it, I absolutely love my business. It’s hard to explain, but it’s more that I recoil when people say things like “what do you do? or do you just stay home?”, and that’s kind of the point at which i decide note to tell them about my business. It makes me mad that my choices are to “do something” or “just stay home” with the implication that the later is doing nothing. So then i end up leaving out the fact that i work out of defiance, making my own quiet statement, which of course no-one knows i’m making.
Yes. It’s very silly, and isn’t a very good solution at all – which is why i’m working on saying that what i “do” is stay home and run a business.
I hope i explained that better. Hugs!!! xoxo
Oh wow, it’s so weird reading this from you, since you are such an established pattern designer! I’d think it’s super normal for you to mention your job!
It’s so sad that people are still judging people by their job, when it should be obvious that people aren’t necessarely what they do for a living.
I notice that I often minimise my side hustle in favor of my day job, since that’s a teaching job and people actually know what I do when I say “teacher”. The side job usually gets a lot of blank stares…
Maybe we often have more fears and judgement in our own head than there actually is in other people’s head?
I know – it’s really weird isn’t it? But really its got to do with the fact that though i absolutely love my business, when i meet people i prefer to define myself as a mother first, rather than a designer first. Does that make sense?
You’re completely right when you say it has more to do with what is in our own heads than other peoples heads – and that’s what i was really trying to get at here.
It’s got to do with the fact that when i meet people more often than not they say something like “what do you do? or do you just stay home?” which just makes me mad. I hate the implication that staying home is lesser – so i don’t mention my work in defiance. And in my mind i imagine i’m making some fantastic stand for stay at home moms, standing in solidarity and daring the world to look down on me. It’s really silly and of course makes no sense. Which is why i’m trying to stop doing it, choose not to take it the wrong way and instead say i stay home and i have a business. I hope that makes sense?
You make a very good point about the blank stares – i must admit, i get those a lot too. Generally followed by “wow so people really sew their own clothing?” hehehe
Hi Megan- while it is sad that you feel you have to defend yourself i understand the tendency. People presume i married an older man for money (i didn’t, he doesn’t have any!) that because of what I do for a living I must be a dummy and because I’m overweight i must be lazy (actually that is a little true!) Other peoples assumptions are only that- and mean nothing but sometimes its easier not to go into explaining yourself to people that have them as sometimes they aren’t worth your time! You should be super proud of all that you do , your business is impressive and motherhood should always be celebrated in every form!
So true Eleanor! It really is crazy all the assumptions that people make! One of my funniest is when people mistakenly take me for my kids nanny! But i’ve decided to take it as a compliment, and hope that i continue to look really young for a few more years LOL.
I really do love both my business and motherhood – and i my tendency is always to show how much i love motherhood by leaving out my business, and that’s what i’m trying to rectify. Sharing both :) xoxo
Hey Megan, I do this all the while, I have four girls aged between 9 and almost 3, for the last few years I gave up my office job where I worked long hours outside the home (my husband works 200 miles away, we felt someone had to be at home to be a parent). During this time I have raised my four girls, set up and run a bridal accessory business from home, until this year I have not even told my close friends what I do. I too didn’t want to be judged, I love my work, I love being creative, I love being a part of bride’s special days, I love making treasures, I love that I can make all my girls school meetings, I can be at their school in less than 5 minutes if they need me, I love that I can take my girls swimming, I can arrange play dates for convenient times, I can do coffee (or cocktails) with my girl friends, I love my job and this year I have told people about my work.
People have always assumed when I left my office job I stopped working, however since then I have worked harder than ever, to give me, my daughters and our family the things we need and desire. We don’t live extravagantly but we have clothes on our back, a roof over our head, food in our cupboards and love in our heart.
Be proud of you, you are amazing!
So lovely to hear from you Jennie. Sounds like we are very similar :) I think that’s what i struggle with – it was a very big deal for me to choose to stop working ( i was the main bread winner at that time) and our life is quieter and simpler than if we both worked full full time, but i just love it so much, and always want to emphasise that over other things. But i’m realising it’s better to just own all the parts of you!
I hate it when people look down at mothers for staying home with their kids, but it doesn’t help the problem by trying to make a silly stand and leaving out the fact that i work. There was some sort of crazy logic going on when i started doing that hehe.
Meanwhile, i hear you, i work SO many more hours now than when i worked a 9-5. Motherhood and a business aren’t really conducive to down time are they?
You should be proud too – sounds like you are doing an awesome job!!! hugs honey!!!
I think mums get judged no matter what they do. I have friends who have to put their kids into childcare from 7am to 6pm Monday to Friday as they need to work full time to pay their bills and they hate it. I also have a friend who has 4 kids who stay at home and hate being a stay at home mum (she loves her kids don’t get me wrong) but they cannot afford childcare for 4 kids (they didn’t choose to have 4 kids but had 2 sets of twins). I have friends who love being at home with their kids and don’t plan on going back to work period. I have just had a second baby and I a currently considering my options – I do love my job but I also love being at home with my girls. I just think everyone should stop judging and just let people do whatever is best for them and their families – as long as children grow up in a loving home that is all that matters.
And that’s what i find irritating – mums get judged no matter what they do. Goodness me! I was chatting to a mum at school the other day who was venting her frustration at how often people assume she doesn’t care about her kids because she has to work full time and have them in childcare before/after school. It really isn’t fair.
But at the end of the day, as long as we’re all loving our kids and doing the best we can for them, that’s all that matters! xoo
I’ve been in all situations (while on mat leave I ran my Husband’s small business – never again!) and agree with the above… especially in Australia: women/mums get judged no matter what. Being in Shanghai there are so many different people doing different things, it’s kinda a relief to take a break from all those opinions. At the moment I don’t have a job outside of the Parenting Job and I have to remind myself daily that that’s ok for now. You’re doing a great job all round Meg xoxo
It’s weird isn’t it? I agree that it seems to be pronounced in Australia – i didn’t struggle with it so much in the US – but i do find that since i’ve been home there is much more pressure to work “a real job” – i’m shocked by how many people still ask me “when are you going back to work?” as if i’m not working right now. Sigh. hehe.
By the way i think you are doing awesome too – and i am just loving following all of your adventures in Shanghai! I lived in Hong Kong for a few years as a child, and it was such a cool time. xoxo
This is beautifully said! I do this all the time and like you, I ask myself why. Thank you for eloquently sharing your thoughts.
So glad i’m not the only one Diane! Here’s hoping we can both get better at this! hugs! xxo
I think everyone finds what they are comfortable doing (and sharing about themselves.) Thank you for doing and sharing. I have posted this to my Pinterest board. Working Mom vs SAHM
https://www.pinterest.com/thelostapron/working-mom-vs-sahm/
I have been a working mom, a part-time work-from-home mom, and a stay-at-home mom. I hope to offer wisdom to any of these moms. The decision to be a working mom or a SAHM can only be made by you. Just be the best mom that you can be.
Thanks Ana! So beautifully said – Just be the best mom you can be. Isn’t that just it?! I know so many different moms, with different paths, all just trying to do their best. And i love them all for it. xoxo
This is a very honest reflexion. Great helpful post! The question is : why do you care so much about what other people are thinking about you, your choices, your life style, etc. Once you get to know why, it’s easier to bypass these insignificant judgemental downers.
That’s a really good point Helene! What i was trying to get at here, is that for me it was such a big choice to stay home, that when i started working from home too i almost didn’t want to accept that i was working – and telling people about what i do, makes it real that i have two jobs. Does that make sense? It’s a rather insane piece of logic i’ve got going there, and i’m hoping to conquer it! hehe
hugs! xoxo
This is what feminism got us, more confusion and more guilt. Any militant woman who thinks your career is a higher value than children and husband has her values wrong. And it’s common since antiquity for women to work from home and make items to sell. But the key is, that she has responsibilities and are able to manage both, a happy home and supplemental income for extras. It’s natural and normal. It’s abnormal to expect women to become and compete like men with the same emotional distance it takes to do so.
I do find it unfortunate that now instead of expecting women to purely be at home, most of the time we’re expected to only work outside the home. It’s kind of silly really, and i find it frustrating. My hope is that at some point Feminism will have come far enough that all choices will be respected – I think no matter what path you take, it’s hard work, so it’s just awful when people judge each other. Don’t you think? Thanks for your opinion Abigail! xo
Feminism did not get us more confusion and more guilt. Feminism gave us the freedom to choose. And its just proof that feminism has a long way more to go, because when feminist ideals are achieved we will have the freedom to choose without judgement and shaming for prioritizing our wants and wishes.
I agree Feminism does have a long way to go – i’m always shocked when people miss the point and don’t see that feminism is really about allowing for choice, whatever your choice may be. I’m grateful that i don’t need to choose any particular path, though oddly much of the time i feel that now i’m expected to choose only a full time non-creative career path. You know what i mean?
One of the most confronting things i’ve ever had happen was a women who (to my face) told me that women like me spit on Feminism and ruin all of the progress by staying home and crafting. I have never laughed so hard hehehe.
Thanks for adding your thoughts honey, i couldn’t agree more!! xoxo
Thanks for being honest about your struggles. I am in the process of starting a small business and I’ve already noticed that I answer differently based on how I think I’ll be viewed, like being an irresponsible dreamer, or something. Feels silly even as I do it. I’m practicing identifying what I’m afraid of and facing it instead of compensating for assumptions that are probably wrong to begin with.
Mary isn’t it so funny how we do this? I think you’ve hit the nail on the head – not compensating for assumptions that are probably wrong to being with. That’s exactly what i’m trying to avoid. Hoping you succeed in this too – and wishing you all the best with your business!! I know it’s hard work starting up, but it really is wonderful :) hugs!! xo
Life has seasons! Don’t apologize for enjoying the one you’re in at this time! I admire you greatly. God bless you and your family!
Dara you are so sweet! Thanks for your kind words. Hugs! xoxo
I haven’t met many actuaries outside of actuarial meetings, so it’s awesome to hear that’s what you did before having kids!
I think no matter what balance of work/home/life/marriage/motherhood you have, it’s tough!
I’m now home with 3 kids and feel like I’m either defending my choice to give up a career or proving my intelligence to people who assume that I’m unintelligent & uneducated and therefore a homemaker for lack of options. Add to that the frustrations of some days where it feels like your biggest accomplishment is folding a load of laundry…
I always think of the grandmother types who have the benefit of perspective and look back with fondness on my current stage in life. I hope that peace & perspective will come in time!
Michelle i’m always thrilled to bits when i meet someone who actually knows what an Actuary is! Usually i’m just like…super hard maths… umm never mind. haha.
Anyway, I completely understand where you are coming from. In fact you’ve expressed a lot of my exact feelings – its been a many years journey for me trying to let go of the need to prove my intelligence, and assert the fact that i choose to do what i do. And i agree, no matter what path you take it’s tough!
One of my goals this year is to continue to mature in the area of not giving a crap about what anyone else might think (that was very eloquent hehehe)
XO
You know this is the exact same battle I fought in the 60’s. By the time I got to college – ALL I wanted to do was learn to sew -that’s all. I came to sewing so I could wear the clothes I love; the clothes that I wanted and most of all the clothes that I designed just for me. But by the time I got to college, sewing was passé, old-fashion with a picture of a woman chained to a wood-burning stove. I understand that they were trying to free women, but unfortunately I CHOOSE to sew. I wanted to know how to put together clothing and create them myself.
So here I was in a desert of sewing education, but never lost my love of sewing. Eventually it came back around in the 80’s, and then the 90’s hit with the advent of plethora of cheap clothing and the motto du jour became: why sew when you can buy 15 for the price of making one?!
So I appreciate the dilemma of being categorized one way or another when that’s not who you are at all. Stay with it. I think a lot of gals stay at home to be with their families because they actually like it and choose to – much more than may admit it.
Claire it’s so interesting to hear this. I’m always astonished by how cyclical things can be, and i suppose the old adage holds true – there is nothing new under the sun! The struggles are often the same :) Funnily enough my college experience sounds quite similar to yours, even though I went to college in the early 00’s, sewing was not all “cool” at that point, and my entire goal was to make sure no one knew i’d made my own clothing. I studied “serious” subjects for a career, and spent all my free time designing and sewing, and that’s basically how i spent the first few years of my career as well. I laugh when i think back to what a waste that was, but learning who you are is valuable, so i’ll take it :) I get a bit of a kick out of life making me a hypocrite, and i kind of love that my true passion ended up being in raising a family, sewing and living a simple life – as opposed to what i’d originally expected!
Hugs xoxo
I so admire you for choosing to stay home and enjoy your children, all the while running a home business. I like you gave up a career, in my case court stenographer, to be home with my children. I have done various home businesses to help supplement. Although I love sewing so much. I think it would be great for that to be my home business. I have enjoyed watching you grow yours. Very inspirational. I always share your posts with my budding 14 year old fashion designer. We should strive to not concern ourselves with what others think. I know that’s a hard one. Be proud of who you are and what you do.
Thanks so much Trudy! It’s always so lovely to hear from you and what your gorgeous family is up to! You must be so proud of your 14 year old – I hope to one day teach my kids how to sew, and you are always an inspiration to me! hugs xoxo
Ahhhh! Thank you! That means so much! I’m glad that we can all support one another.
Hi Megan,
I’m 22 weeks pregnant with my first bubba (a little girl – so excited) and I am so very much looking forward to being at home with her for the first 5-6 months of her little life! After that, due to the nature of my job (not daycare friendly hours) combined with my husband commuting I will be going back to work only 2 days a week, but my husband will be looking after her on those days.
I do not judge you at all for staying home to look after your kids – and the fact that you are able to work from home as well is awesome. It is something that I want to be able to do in the future.
xo
Jenni! Congratulations!! You must be so excited – what an absolute blessing! I think you have an awesome plan – i have so many friends who tackle motherhood and working in different ways, but they all share the same thing – They adore their kids and cherish their time with them, and that’s the important part.
I’m definitely grateful that i am able to work from home, i know many people aren’t able to – my hope it just that at some point people will stop judging mothers for their choices, whether they stay at home or work outside the home. But i think the first step (for me at least) is to stop assuming that anyone is judging anyone, and just be who i am :)
HUgs honey! All the best with the rest of your pregnancy – i hope you are getting lost of rest!! and remember baby want’s a second piece of cake, just sayin ;)
xoxo
Be proud to say you are a stay at home mom and you have your own business. Our mother’s generation fought for our right to choose. They helped give us the power to exercise our talents and ability in either the home or office, or both.
This is so interesting! I’m a graphic designer for work and generally don’t tell people that I sew unless they ask really specific questions, such as where did you get that top? I think I’m kind of weird and secretive about it but I feel like it would be really boring for them to hear about sewing and blogging if they don’t do it themselves.
By the way, I also have a degree in math! I did it before going into design and I don’t tell people about that either. I want them to think of me as a creative and not be distracted or intimidated by the math degree. It’s probably stupid but I get so many questions when I mention the math, like how does that make sense to be good at both math and design? I explain that it all comes down to problem solving. Thanks for sharing your story! I’m glad I’m not the only mathematician/designer who doesn’t tell people that she sews and blogs. :)